silence is loud
by another moment gone
Summary: One-shot. "I can't decide what I'm going to miss more. You, or the way you made me feel...and the general gist of forever and always held right in the very palms of our hands." *R&R* -another moment gone-


Silence is Loud

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><p>-one-shot-<p>

(But only when you're alone.)

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><p>Dear D,<br>(Feb. 20, 2012)

I can't decide what I'm going to miss more.  
>You, or the way you made me feel. The thing is, I'm not going to miss the moments when I wish I could smack you, or wished I never met you and all that pain I wouldn't have felt. I'm going to miss the good and choose to forget the bad.<p>

I am going to miss your smile. Remember when you had braces? I gave you such a difficult time about that. You would never smile with your teeth…but when you got your braces removed and smiled for that first time with your teeth, it was your clichéd crooked smile. You may not have been very photogenic but there were glimpses of you that I would catch when the sunlight hit your face, or the dim movie lights would catch your starlit eyes and I could not tear my eyes away from you.

Sometimes you'd tousle and run your hand through you hair and it would spike up in this messy disarray; messy wasn't your style—it made me giggle so much just to see your hair so disorganized.

I am going to miss the way your fingers entwined with mine, or the way you'd wait for me after class and shyly reach for my hand just to intertwine them; you were always on the right side of me; not sure why, though. It felt so nice just to feel your fingers laced within mine—not so lonely, you know? I will miss the feeling of catching you gazing at me in class, and I will certainly miss blushing when you caught me staring at you during geometry. You'd grin, I picture it clearly, and you would say: "What are you staring at? Huh?" Your smile was so smug.

I will miss the feeling I got every single time I saw you, especially during those first few months. I would walk incredibly slow just to see you in the hallways, even if it meant getting detention from my biology teacher for being tardy.

A walking partner I will miss.

I will miss waking up in the morning, knowing I have another wonderful day with you. It was always such a lovely feeling waking up at the stroke of dawn and thinking: "I get to see him today…" I felt so privileged.

You know what else I will miss?

I will miss those forehead kisses—who knew they existed huh—because when we would be slumped on my couch watching another classic Disney movie, bodies intertwined and in close proximity, your arms would be wrapped tightly around me, and you would spontaneously lean over and kiss my forehead with the kind of tenderness that cannot be described with words; the kind of kiss that you have to feel to simply understand. I remember once I fell asleep, kind of, stuck in that phase of sleep when you're not quite knocked out but you're not quite awake; you leaned over and kissed my head and it lingered. I hadn't even thought about it until just now. Oh boy, don't get me started on the kisses.

There were many types and experimental kisses we shared during our time together. The "spiderman" kiss, the lazy kiss, the urgent lusty kiss, the wet kiss, the soft perfect "first" kiss… The list goes on, doesn't it? It took time. It took plenty of time to learn each other's bodies.

I memorized the freckles on your face, the ones that trailed along the bridge of your nose or the nape of your neck. I have come to terms that no one will memorize your face with the perfection I have mastered. I have memorized the many different expressions that are listed upon your face; the confused look, the very hurt look, the irritated sides of you, and the bright, joyful signature look. I have memorized the feel of your fingertips running themselves along my balmy palms, the ticklish parts, the straight-up bizarre feelings. I even memorized your scent, which is pretty strange as well. Once again, I am at a loss of descriptions. I memorized the shade of your eyes, the brown, the yellow, the tints of very mossy green—ever-changing, as always.

I will miss your cold hands. The contrast of our warmth and cold was a nice balance.

I will even miss our pointless arguments over what color dress I wear, or not replying to a conversation-ending text. I will miss the joking manner we possessed.

I will miss saying "us" and having people know I am referring to you. It rolls off the tongue and it's simply satisfying. It makes the past-loneliness melt away like winter's bone.

I will miss the way you look at me. It doesn't seem comparable, because I don't think anyone has ever looked at me the way you do…did.

I will miss looking forward to our potential. We reached our peaks of feelings or maybe we didn't—I guess we will never know, huh? I will miss the pet peeves, the knowing-grins, the sly winks, the wicked laughter, the endless taunts, the non-comical jokes (only told at our own expenses), the longing glances, the perfect kisses, the late night whispering, the silly arguments, the compliments, the truth, the fights, the urgency, the spam texts, the I love you more fights, naming the countless 'I love you's, and the general gist of forever and always held right in the very palms of our hands.

It's a lot to hold.

For now, for a while, I will pretend I am okay. I feel pretend I am more than okay because I have to prove to you that I was happy before you, and I have the ability to be happy without you. But despite what I constantly disagree on, I believe I did/do love you. I fell for you and I have not been the same since. I will smile and laugh, I will offer my thoughts and opinions, and I will even bring forth friendship. The just know, I will be thinking of what we used to be, not what we are right now. It's just that way I suppose.

I will promise not to cry as much.

You are lovely. I mean that sincerely.

Lately, I have been playing you in my head from the very beginning. Strange indeed, we were.

I will be strong, for the both of us, because we owe it to ourselves. Or at least, I owe it to you.

Love,

J

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><p>Author's Note:<br>I realize I have been very hiatus and absent from the fanfiction world but I promise I will continue once I find the real, true time. I'm sorry for the lack of movement on my stories. /: Please forgive me; the world has gotten me tied up.(;

Review, maybe?

-Jenn


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